drerinwatsonFinding safe and supportive communities after experiencing attachment trauma is a real battle. Not because you are undeserving, not because you are difficult to love, not because you are weird, awkward, crazy, or unlikeable or any of the other lies you were told. It’s hard because people with attachment trauma were robbed of their ability to trust themselves and trust others, and thus were not given opportunities to experience what genuine safety, love, belonging, support and acceptance feel like.
And when you don’t know what it feels like, it’s hard to recognize it when it comes your way. Worse, it may feel so unfamiliar and strange that it feels uncomfortable. This is why so many survivors of toxic parenting find themselves re-experiencing their relational pains and traumas over and over; the relationships that feel the most familiar to them — the ones where they feel most “at home” — are ones where they are unsupported, unappreciated, and need to “earn” the approval and acceptance of others.
We have to learn what safety feels like. And then we have to learn to feel safe feeling safe.
Marc, a colleague and friend, pulled me aside one day to thank me for our friendship. After a conversation (and a hug) he elaborated, “It took me decades to find a strong community. It took much pain, confusion and heartbreak. And it required me to unlearn a lot of my limiting beliefs: things like “I’m annoying”, “I’m too much for people”, “I’m awkward and unlikeable”, or “I am the reason why so many friendships were harmful to me”. In other words, “I am the common denominator”. Whenever I experienced rejection or mistreatment, I would assume it was further confirmation of the negative messaging I had been fed growing up.”
Marc didn’t consider that it may have actually been his relational blueprint subconsciously seeking out relationships that repeated those of his toxic upbringing, and avoiding ones that were genuinely safe, supportive and loving. All he “knew” was that love and acceptance had to be earned and constantly fought for. Because that’s what he had been taught.
I shared with him how much I could relate. I, too, often thought about how other people could have amazing friends without having to try hard. But I was different. I was damaged. A problem. So I had to work extra-hard to make up for my numerous faults. Since I wasn’t inherently likeable or loveable, I needed to make sure I over-compensated so that I could make having a friendship with me “worth it” to the other person.
That’s an exhausting existence. And not only is it a surefire way to ensure you never feel safe and accepted, but it’s also a mentality that keeps you away from meeting friends who are genuinely healthy and compatible with you.
How The Lies We Are Told Prevent Us From Enjoying Fulfilling Friendships
Victims of attachment trauma, particularly those who were scapegoated or targeted by an abusive narcissist, often need convincing that they are indeed deserving of love, care and support. That healthy friendships are a right, not something you have to apply for or jump through hoops to get. The tendrils of an abusive upbringing always rear their ugly heads by “reminding you” that if your parents couldn’t love you unconditionally, then how could anyone else? Narcissistic abuse further teaches its victims that healthy friendships are dangerous as they could trigger the abusive parent who needs to possess you and control you. Some narcissistic parents will even intervene on their kid’s friendships to ensure that there is no genuine closeness or trust between them. If they can’t intervene on the friendship itself, they intervene on your perception of the friendship and your perception of each other as friends. Strategies such as badmouthing the friend, or asking you whether the friend ‘actually likes you’. Enough to plant a seed of doubt.
Those with attachment trauma struggle to make healthy friends for a few reasons: One, they are actively conditioned to seek out unhealthy people and try to fix them or carry their emotional loads. This was how they survived, and this was how they “earned” their place “at the table”. Secondly, as a result of this conditioning, they actually don’t get exposed to healthy relationships. And so old patterns just keep getting reinforced.
Another reason they struggle is that when they do meet a healthy person, they don’t recognize it. It feels unfamiliar, even uncomfortable. They don’t know how to bond. They don’t feel worthy. They wonder what the catch is or when the other shoe is going to drop. It is really hard to accept love from people when you don’t know what love feels like. It is near impossible to risk being open to love — vulnerable enough to let it in — when what you experienced in childhood was that love is dangerous. That it comes with hefty strings attached, immense emotional labour, denial of self and identity, and guilt trips (at best) or psychological and emotional damage at worst. How do you open yourself up to love when all you were told is that even if love were genuine, you weren’t deserving of it anyway? Plus, how can you risk loving someone in return when you’re never sure if they’re going to up and abandon you?
Charmaine* (not her real name) tells me, “I have spent many a friendship — even now with some of my absolute best friends — waiting for the moment they “get sick of me” or call me “selfish” for having a need or for accepting their love and care.”
I know for a fact that Charmaine is a well-adjusted, kind, self-aware individual. She has done the work. As an advocate for survivors of attachment trauma, she has even dedicated her life to the work. And yet, she is not immune to the occasional hauntings by the ghosts of attachment trauma.
She shares, “I had to re-learn, every day with every interaction, to trust myself and trust my friends and to re-teach my body what it feels like to be loved and safe. I had to practice this because it was not part of my original blueprint. I had to stop myself from questioning every interaction and wondering if that was the one that finally “put them off”. And I still have to swallow my pride sometimes and ask my friends for reassurance.”
And because they are healthy and loving they provide that reassurance.
Needing reassurance is not dramatic or weak. It is honest. And honest, healthy friends will happily provide it without assuming you are “needy”. The concept of “being needy” is just another leftover gaslight flickering from when you were chastised for doing anything for yourself that didn’t exclusively serve your toxic parent.
When you have attachment wounds, you have needs. That is not “being needy”. You have a justifiable need to know that you are safe with others. Healthy friends will help you build a foundation of safety and scaffold strong walls of self-trust so that you can confidently create a home and community with them.
This is very helpful. I was the family scapegoat and even at 67 years of age find it difficult to know whether people are safe to make friends with.
Yes, that is a very real experience! We are taught to not trust others and we are taught to not trust ourselves and to love others, but not love ourselves. And so it takes time and effort to convince ourselves we even deserve good people in our life. And then, time to unlearn all the red flags that we thought were normal. You’re doing great work! One exercise I’ve tried when I am struggling to feel connected with someone is to think about the times in my life I felt genuinely safe and loved. There may not be many! So I take micro-moments. And I really feel it in my body. What does love actually feel like? What does safety feel like? And is this person offering that? And that teaches my body what it actually deserves so I can better recognize it when healthy, loving people come along. And can quickly exit when people do not have my well-being in mind.