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Does Your Therapist Like You? Exploring “Good Client Syndrome”

One of the questions I was repeatedly asked growing up was, “Are you sure they like you?”

Whenever I met a new friend or talked about someone I was hanging around with, I got the same interrogation: “How do you know they like you? Are you sure?” 

I started to believe that if people liked me or were kind to me, they were tricking me. 

I’m going to give the person who said this the benefit of the doubt; I think they were trying to prompt me to notice red flags that I was missing. When I was younger I didn’t always recognize when I was being harmed by people I thought cared about me. 

Gee, I wonder where that came from 😉

The truth is, a charming smile concealing a lie, or a love bomb offered when I was most lonely, combined with my huge heart, unflinching trust of others and my deep desire to be wanted, chosen, and liked made me occasionally oblivious to those who were more interested in taking advantage of me or taking from me than offering me safety, dignity, and respect. Fake love was a crumb that fed my starving heart. So I ate it. 

want to believe that the person who asked me these questions was urging me to be more aware of whether people were real friends or not. I want to trust that it was an act of love and protection. 

The problem was the very same person these questions came from was someone who wasn’t able to offer me love or protection themselves. And who harmed me in ways that were concealed by illusion; the illusion of love, the illusion of care, the illusion of support, all dressed up to distract me from how much work I was putting in to glorify and care for them. And so when the question “Are you sure they like you?” was asked, it constantly came across as “Who would possibly like you? How could you possibly be loved?”

Fast forward into my adult life and I am working hard to unlearn the belief system that I am less worthy than literally every other human in this world. That I am less likeable, less wanted. That everyone is better than me. That I need to work harder to earn my keep. That I should be grateful for crumbs because crumbs are all I will ever get. 

My self-depreciation drives my friends crazy. They wish I could see how much they love me. How loveable I am. 

Can you relate?

When Perfectionism and Social Contortion Take Over

I’ve been in therapy for 20 years now. Some of it traditional talk therapy, some of it somatic, some of it coaching. I’ve done specialized trauma work. I also trained as a trauma therapist with specializations in family toxicity, relational abuse, and attachment wounding. So I know how to “give good therapy”. 

What I mean by that is I know how to be a great client. 

And that is a problem. 

I know what to say, how to say it, what lingo to use. I know how to be witty and charming. I know how to make clever jokes about my trauma. I know how to analyse myself for an entire session so the therapist doesn’t have to lift a finger. I know how to be so self-aware and reflective it’s almost painful. I know how to go into my dark sides and shadow spaces. I know how to own my sh*t and call out my own BS. 

I am funny. Smart. Committed to personal development and self-growth. I “do the work” as they say. 

Except…I don’t. Or at least, I didn’t used to. 

So much of the work I thought I was doing was just an elaborate avoidance scheme so I didn’t have to feel or face the depths of my anguish and despair. 

I had a wonderful therapist. Many wonderful therapists and coaches, actually. And I didn’t allow myself to feel fully in front of any of them. Because to feel my feelings, and to express them – raw, vulnerable, ugly feelings, with the accompanying raw, vulnerable and ugly tears – in front of them would mean making myself too exposed to potential rejection. 

I needed them to like me. I needed them to approve of me. I needed them to enjoy me. Admire me. 

Then I would feel safe. Then I would feel wanted enough. 

I thought that feeling through all my sh*t bits meant they would lose respect for me, judge me, pity me. They would question my competence as a practitioner myself. 

Feeling my feelings – and actually working through my trauma (instead of just articling it) – was too risky. I risked losing them. And I felt they held a lot of power to determine my worth, or to denounce it. 

I spent a lot of money and a lot of time talking about myself and never really knowing myself or loving myself. 

What has changed?

I realised that leaning into this vulnerability and “imperfection” was an act of self-love. And that’s when my recovery really started. 

I do therapy differently now (it still includes talk therapy, coaching and somatic work), but I show up differently. I show up committed to myself and my journey, rather than committed to augmenting the ego of the practitioner, or positioning myself in such a way that guarantees I am their “favorite client”. 

As a practitioner myself, I spend a lot of time creating a space for my own clients to show up authentically, safely, and fully embodied so they never, ever feel the need to please me or placate me or earn my admiration and respect for them. 

Since unconditional safety and respect is a new experience for many survivors of Narcissistic System and Scapegoat Abuse, I make sure that It is always freely and repeatedly given without strings, guilt, or walking on eggshells. 

Can you imagine what it feels like to not have to dance around people? How might things be different in your body if you were able to experience genuine limbic safety for once?

“Good Client Syndrome”

One of the most healing things for survivors of Narcissistic System Abuse and Scapegoating is to be in a space with someone and learn that you are genuinely unconditionally accepted, wanted, chosen, liked or loved. 

One of the best ways to recover from perfectionism and people-pleasing is to work with someone who can be alongside you while you intentionally stop being “perfect” and “fawning” as a means to survive. 

It’s transformative. 

Imagine taking up the full space that is allotted to you and knowing that you will still be liked, wanted, chosen, respected, admired, cherished, loved, and (insert your most desired quality here).

Imagine the sensation in your body of having a nervous system that can feel regulated and calm instead of primed for fight, flight, freeze. This is the basis of relearning your trust in self and others. 

In order to get there, we need to talk about Good Client Syndrome (GCS) and why it is so common for survivors of NSA and Scapegoating.

Using Imperfection As A Tool For Recovery

The hesitancy to feel fully in front of a professional is actually a very common stage in recovery (and later I will explain why it is an important stage). I call this experience “Good Client Syndrome”: The traumatized brain believes that In order to feel safe, even with our practitioner, we need to ensure we come across as “a good and easy and enjoyable client”. We need to be perceived as intelligent, put together, competent, charming and pleasing to the practitioner. We work hard to make the therapist or coach “feel good” about how much they are helping us, even if it means we don’t speak up when we need more — a different direction, additional support, a shift in modality, and a lot more accountability to actually feel through all the “ugly” stuff.

Does this sound like a familiar pattern? It directly mimics the fawning that you were required to do to stay safe with narcissistic parents, partners, or caregivers. 

Far from being something to kick yourself for, this hesitancy to feel fully in front of a professional is actually a really important part of recovery. Almost everybody performs socially to an extent; because of the desire for social inclusion and also due to stigma around mental health and wellness. But survivors of trauma like Narcissistic Abuse and Scapegoating are even more likely to “perform” in therapy because they are worried about being unwanted, disliked or rejected by their therapist. 

That’s a legitimate fear. Especially if you suffered abuse at the hands of an “authority” figure (including a parent or caregiver). If you needed to contort yourself to ensure that someone in a power position (aka someone who could determine your safety and well-being) would protect you, then your hesitancy and habit of “performing perfection” makes complete logical sense. 

Trusting after trauma is hard, and the fractures show up especially when in the presence of someone safe. Because safe is unfamiliar. A safe, healthy, stable, genuinely caring person is someone you don’t want to lose. And you have been told that if you aren’t pleasing and serving them, then you are “alienating them” and that if you aren’t being perfect (aka easy for the other person to digest and use to boost themselves), then you will be “discarded”.

Survivors of NSSA work hard to make themselves likeable because they were taught that their default is that they are profoundly unlikeable. 

Survivors of Narcissistic System and Scapegoating Abuse also learn that they have a “usefulness” to people as opposed to a “wantedness”. That they are chosen only in so far as what they can offer, instead of their inherent value or merit as a person just as they are. This makes relationships, love, and even existence, conditional. Building trust is about knowing you have worth. Full stop.

The other reason it is challenging to trust – even in the safer space of a qualified, caring, knowledgeable, and understanding practitioner’s office – is that the times you did feel safe growing up were often the times you were “blindsided” by harm. For example, when you let your guard down, when you started to let your full personality out, when you experienced and expressed real emotions, when you started to experience success or joy. Those were the times when you were more likely to be neglected, punished, mocked, stonewalled, or scapegoated. This is because those are the times you outshone the central abuser, took attention away from them, appeared to slip out of their grasp of control, or made them feel concerned that other people would be more drawn to you than them. 

Probably because when you got to be your full self people were more drawn to you than them 🙂 Because you’re fabulous when you are fully you. 

For them, however, it meant that they felt they had to ramp up the toxicity, turn on you and turn others against you too. 

The impact of this experience is that your nervous system now equates safety and happiness and full expression and expansion of self with danger. 

For the victim of narcissism or scapegoating, to feel safe, paradoxically, is to perceive danger. 

Ergo, it makes complete sense that when you are with a practitioner who sees you, you may work extra hard to be exactly who you think you “should” be. 

It’s OK. Be gentle with yourself. A skilled therapist or coach will recognize and work with you on Good Client Syndrome so that you can genuinely develop enough limbic safety to practice showing up fully and authentically so that you can build trust in yourself and others. 

If you are struggling in recovery because trust isn’t there yet, offer yourself compassion and grace. It makes sense that some of these hurdles are too high to cross right now. Remember, as a Narcissistic target or Scapegoat you were told repeatedly that everything you did was wrong, your perceptions were distorted, and you weren’t allowed to feel. So yeah…recovery (and trusting yourself during recovery) isn’t exactly going to come naturally.

Letting It All Go

So if all you have accomplished thus far in your recovery is the development of immense wit, intellect and self-awareness about your trauma, then celebrate the absolute shiz out of that. It’s an integral part of your bridge toward freedom and wholeness. 

Some of my best moments of humour were developed in therapy sessions. So what if it was a deflection tactic at the time. It taught me I was able to show up from a place that wasn’t straight fear. And that’s a great start. And now, I use my wit in my writing, or with friends, or when I am cackling at myself all alone at home folding laundry. It’s something I like about myself and something I’m glad I re-discovered about myself after it had been squashed. Not everything that is born from trauma breaks you. Some things build you up and complete you. 

So do not discount how you are currently “showing up” in your recovery or in your coaching. I repeat this to myself whenever I realize I am getting stuck in “Good Client Syndrome” again. I spent years in GCS where it genuinely felt safer. And that’s OK because that safety is what I needed then. It was a mask I still needed to wear as I tunnelled my way through the trauma landmines. Once I had established that safety I was able to slowly lower my shield so I could start to feel more authentically, process more deeply, and thus recover more efficiently and effectively.

It gave me an armour that made the battle more manageable. It helped me. And I know it has helped you too. And when you’re ready to lower your shield, recovery will unfold at an alarming (and freeing) pace. 

So does your therapist like you? How could they not!!!

Also, who cares if they do 🙂

You’re doing great. 

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