drerinwatsonBetrayal.
Hypocrisy.
Injustice.
Reputation Assassination.
Identity theft. Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? When the Narcissistic System or Scapegoat Machine gets a hold of you…
Emotional kidnapping.
Love held hostage and only given if the ransom paid is enough.
But it’s never enough.
Traumatic invalidation.
Repeated, unrelenting, convictions for crimes never committed.
And the only person who is sent to trial is you.
While they walk away – as free people – regardless of the indignities mobbed upon you.
Evidence buried under DARVOS, gaslights, blame shifts and narrative contortions.
Evidence fabricated, held up to a distorted light, then lobbed at you.
So that when you sit in your emotional prison cell, you wonder what it was you ever did to deserve a life like this…
But will they get away with it?
What Does It Mean To Win?
Who wins a Rigged Game? Depends on what you define as winning.
If someone cheats their way to the finish line, did they run the fastest? Were you the loser because they got there first, but only managed to do so by tripping and trampling you?
What if they moved the finish line as soon as you got “too close” to it?
What if halfway through they decided you needed to run backwards or hop on one foot, while they got to be pulled in gilded chariots?
Who wins? Who gets to feel the glory?
When people ask me whether their abuser will get away with it I always know that they are talking about more than just accountability in the eyes of others. They are talking about justice: For themselves and their wounded soul.
And when we talk about justice, we are talking about closure, repair, restoration, and emotional freedom. We are often less concerned about whether they actually skirt responsibility than we are about holding the burden of remembering and preserving the truth because they refuse to.
It’s a heavy anvil to have to lug around. They tossed it in your arms and you’re afraid that putting it down will mean they are absolved. And that what happened to you won’t matter – to them, to others, or to a world that desperately needs to change.
We lament, “Will I carry the pain of their betrayal with me, while they walk with ease? Will I grieve and break, while they rise up from my ashes? Am I allowed and able to feel lightness ever again?”
In my work as a Narcissistic Systems and Scapegoat Expert, I tackle the toughest, deepest pains and traumas that result from this type of attachment abuse.
My work focuses on bystander silence and compliance, betrayal trauma, embedded injustice, moral injury, recovery without closure or accountability, complex and disenfranchised grief, traumatic invalidation, reputation assassination and wrongful convictions with no restoration possible, and how to take the risk of developing identity, agency, autonomy and embodiment in the face of imminent toxic backlash.
People who come to my newsletter know about narcissistic abuse. There’s a lot of information out there – some of it accurate, some of it sadly not. You are here, not because you lack awareness or insight, but because you are dripping in it, and yet still feel stuck. You have done so much work on recovery already but are facing a final brick wall and you can’t seem to scale it.
For many people, the brick wall is the dilemma of recovery versus ultimate invalidation and injustice: “If I get over it, then that means they get away with it. If I no longer feel so bad, that means it must not have been that bad.”
For many, full recovery feels like letting them win. If you finally let go and live free, then the legacy of what they did to you simply falls away. They don’t change. Nothing changes. No one notices. There is no closure. You alone carry the truth, impact and burden of what they did. You carry scars that no one else can see. It’s demoralizing.
This is why my work also focuses on Recovery Rebellion, Radical Validation, and how to experience genuine joy, wholeness, fulfillment and connection in ways that are profoundly accessible to you, no matter how much life, energy, or confidence you feel you have left in you.
I see your light. I can help you amplify it to illuminate your path through dark tunnels and dense fog. And I will be there, alongside you – supporting you in dodging landmines, slogging through quicksand and toxic sludge – so that you are never really alone any step of the way.
And while I have ideas and strategies to make the journey unfold with ease, I am not saying any of it is easy.
But surviving what you did and recovering as far as you have wasn’t easy. So I know you can handle it.
Today, I have a wonderful resource to share with you. Plus some re-frames to help you navigate the question of “who wins” differently.
They Will Never Get Away With It
I’m going to share with you an excerpt from a small ebook that I am putting the finishing touches on to help you move beyond the anger and injustice of Narcissistic System and Scapegoating Abuse.
I will be selling it at a SUPER affordable price (just enough to marginally support my work)…once I can figure out how. Yup – welcome to me: Crippling ADHD and a complete inability to understand basic technology. So thanks for your patience.
Here’s the excerpt:
“Trust me when I say: They aren’t winning.
They also may not be “getting away with it” as much as you think. Just because other people are participating (either through bystander silence or compliance) it doesn’t mean those people don’t know in their hearts what’s really going on.
Let’s address the first point. What does winning in life really look like to you? We often associate winning with happiness. But we also associate it with having power over things: Other people, possessions, ideas, and narratives.
When you feel trampled on and miserable, it can feel like you are losing while they have won. But I ask you to take a closer look at the Narcissistic Person or Scapegoat System you were harmed by. Are they actually doing OK or is it just a pretence? Does winning mean having to distort other people’s perceptions in order to feel wanted? Does it mean controlling the narratives that other people share about each other so that no one forms an alliance that could threaten your status? What about having to constantly manipulate allegiances in order to not be abandoned by your army? Never saying a kind word about anyone else because of insatiable jealousy and the need to ensure others like you more than they like anyone else? Is it feeling intense shame, self-loathing and attachment terror, but being unwilling to face it to fix it? Because that’s at the root of many Narcissistic Systems.
So what about the pawns, flying monkeys and bystanders? Is happiness feeling like the only way to get a narcissistic parent’s love and attention is to throw a sibling under the bus or gang up against them? Is it denying your own needs, and feelings to the point of complete denial just so you can remain a “golden child” but never actually know what it feels like to have your own sense of self or be genuinely accepted by your parent? Is it living very meticulously in order to continue serving a toxic parent, and completely denying all your needs? Is it shutting down your own emotional self completely to cope in a confusing, harmful family system that you think is “normal” or “healthy”? Is it disowning or losing a sibling and never checking in on them because you know if you show love or support to each other you will face the parent’s wrath? Is it staying small to ensure you get some inheritance – or just to survive emotionally? Is that a life that you would choose?
Is that happiness, wholeness and connection? Is that winning?
When you really look at the emotional, psychological, and relational well-being of each member of your family/Narcissistic System in isolation, you will see immense pain, suffering and misery. This is not happiness, no matter how much they try to “appear” happy. No matter how much status they have, how much money, how many possessions, or how much they succeed in getting more parental “love” and “attention” than you or feel justified in their treatment of you, they are grasping for fulfillment in an empty well. And they know it, but do not have the insight or incentive to change. There is no foundation available for happiness here. You cannot experience happiness or genuine love, and connection (and therefore wellness), when there is cruelty and need for power in your heart.
Narcissistic and Scapegoat Systems operate on the principle of scarcity: Everyone is chasing a moving target, and the carrot being dangled in front of them is attached with hefty strings. There is no room for genuine connection or relationships in these systems. There are only maneuvers and jostling, alliances and allegiances. This is about power and control, not connection.
What do you value? What would a winning life and happiness include for you? How much do allegiance, alliance, power, control and contortion factor in? My guess is, you are winning more than you realize because what you have in front of you is the opportunity for a genuine life. For freedom. You are winning way more than they are because they are stuck fuelling the Narc or Scapegoat Machine at the expense of their life and identity. And they may not even realise it enough to break free themselves.
Now let’s address the second point: Are they actually getting away with it?
The first answer is no, they are not. The fact that you see the truth means they haven’t gotten away with it. Someone has recognized their foul game and called a time-out. And you may not be the only one who sees the truth; Not only do thousands of other scapegoats like you also see it, but some extended family and friends may also see it. They just can’t/won’t say anything because they don’t want to be targeted the way you were. The pain and damage caused by their silence is called betrayal trauma.
But I hear you: This isn’t a super satisfying answer or feeling. I mean, so what if I believe you, right? Is it enough for me – a stranger on the internet – to tell you that what is happening is real? That you aren’t crazy? That I believe you and you deserved more?
It may not bring them to justice, but it does bring you justice.
To move beyond anger and injustice, we need to address our perspectives on winning. Perspective is your recovery anchor.
You can take an external perspective (aka winning means those who harmed you see the error in their ways and atone/ bystanders see what is happening and step in and hold them accountable or call them out) or you can take an internal perspective (aka anchoring your recovery in your own self-trust and future potential regardless of what happens outwardly or to others).
The first is obviously much more validating (who doesn’t want them to take responsibility or be held accountable?), but it can put your recovery on hold indefinitely. Afterall, you are essentially still in their web, waiting for their “permission” to set you free. They still control your outcome. That is how they “win” the rigged game, because they can continue to rig it against you. .
The other (recovering without waiting for external justice) is admittedly less validating and satisfying (in the short term) but profoundly more rewarding and transformative in the long run: You get to actually have a life of your own. And a beautiful one without snags and tethers to something so disturbing and dark.
So, were they held accountable? Not in the ways they should be. And that is the basis of the injustice you experience and grieve. But, because you stepped out of your role as the scapegoat, their entire toxic system will now crumble.
And when it crumbles, all the smoke and mirrors they were using to deflect responsibility away from themselves and onto you, will be revealed. It may take time – it may not happen in your lifetime (intergenerational trauma carries long legacies), however, when you break the cycle you, by definition, expose what was hidden behind the facade.
No one needs to “break the cycle and step away from” a genuinely healthy and loving system.
They may not be held accountable, but they are floundering. No system that has to work that hard to dismantle you and convince others of your “wrongness and badness” is doing well. That system is not winning, it is spinning.
The truth is, they needed you as their scapegoat to support their dysfunction. You were the pillar that kept the “family lie” alive. Having you available to blame for any problems, meant no one would look to them and question their behaviour. But without you willing to carry the responsibility and burden of their behaviour, what will they do? Whom will they shame now? What excuse will they use now for all the toxicity and emotional dysfunction that will continue even though the “problem child” is no longer there as an “explanation” for it all?
So how do you win a Rigged Game? You stop playing. They automatically lose because, in order to win, they need you to play. Ha!”
– Excerpt from my upcoming ebook on traumatic invalidation, betrayal trauma, and the complicated grief and freedom of recovering without justice or accountability
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