From Toxicity To Triumph

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The Magic Question Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Always Forget To Ask

My last article had a bit of a cheeky headline: 

Does your therapist like you? 

The desire to be liked and wanted is a survival response that emerges out of constant rejection and neglect. Figuring out how to make people like us keeps us safe. 

Much like in dating or in any burgeoning relationship, whether it is friendship or with new colleagues, we survivors of attachment trauma often ask ourselves, “Do they like me???” or “How can I make them like me?”….without stopping to consider whether we like them.

So the truth is, I’m not really writing about your therapist. I’m writing about the desire and need to be liked as a general condition of survival. My last newsletter, and today’s newsletter, are both about the need to be accepted by people in general, and why Narcissistic System Abuse creates an urge to be perfect for everyone in our lives regardless of the relationship or dynamic we have with them. 

Many survivors of Narcissistic System and Scapegoat Abuse were so embroiled in the necessary fawning behaviours their whole lives that they didn’t even have time to consider that there was this alternative perspective; the perspective that we get to decide whether we enjoy someone or want to spend time with them. That WE don’t always have to think about whether a professional likes us, for example, but whether we like them! It’s time to recognize our right and power to decide whether people stay inour lives. 

So in this part two of my Good [Client] [Person] [Friend] [Partner etc.] Syndrome discussion, I invite you to consider all your relationships in life (personal, professional etc.) and reflect on whether you fully choose these relationships and whether you want to continue choosing them…

When was the last time you asked yourself: 

Do I feel safe with them? 

Do they make me feel good?

Do they understand me?

Do I want to open up to them?

Do I want to share more with them (thoughts, emotions, time, space, ideas)?

How exactly do they make me feel? 

Am I performing for them or am I relaxing more deeply into my authentic self? Why or why not? How can I tell?

What are they doing to meet the pillars of a healthy dynamic? Is there proof of their effort? Or are they being given too many free passes?

Do I even like them?

Good Client Syndrome: The Flip Side

There are two parts to the issue of Good Client Syndrome. 

Let’s look at this first from the standpoint of a professional dynamic, as so much of recovery can depend on finding that right fit! On one side, Good Client Syndrome can present as the need to please a (good) practitioner because we are still developing the literacy of safety. Which means we are still re-teaching our bodies what it means to feel safe. It takes time to figure out how to trust that we are in good hands. And so naturally we need to dance a little bit to test the waters. 

In the first newsletter, I talked about what it means to people-please even around those who love and care about you and cherish you (good practitioners, good friends etc.) I discussed how it is a tendril left over from being told by Narcissistic Systems that if you aren’t perfect, charming, appealing, or appeasing then you will be discarded. It’s an understandable survival response. And it takes time to unlearn, especially if you have been part of a narc machine most of your life. Chances are discovering what safety feels like may be completely foreign. And uncomfortable even. 

This is why it is especially important to be reminded that YOU are allowed to trust your gut. When things don’t feel right, it’s likely because they aren’t. 

While the Narc System tries to dismantle your trust, all they ever succeed in doing is suppressing it or confusing it. But your trust is always within you – it’s the inner alarm bells that say, “Hold up, wait a minute, what’s going on here?” You never lose access to those bells. You have just been trained to deny them or ignore them. 

But if you tune in, you will hear them and you are allowed to, and have the right to, walk away from any person, relationship, or situation that triggers those alarms. Even professional ones. 

Feeling pressured to be a “good client” because your practitioner is making you jump through hoops or prove yourself? That’s not Good Client Syndrome. That is an unsafe situation that needs to be rectified and it is not YOUR job to rectify it. 

Yes, bad power dynamics and problematic use of professional practices exist. In every profession. 

Sometimes (probably rarely) they are malicious or self-serving. More often, however, they are unintentional practices or projections that reflect a lack of training, supervisory support, expertise, education, or awareness. 

And again, that is not YOUR job to correct or maneuver around. Whether it is a professional dynamic or a personal one, we need to consider how well the other person is showing up for us and for the health of the relationship. Not just how well we are. Whether you bring up concerns with them or not will depend on what green, red, or yellow flags are waiving based on all your other interactions with that person:

In the past have they taken responsibility? 

In the past when you made a request, did they follow through?

Have they ever apologized to you? Or are you always the one apologizing?

Has your communication thus far been open, honest, transparent and respectful? 

Do you feel there is mutual power and respect? 

Is there reciprocity and collaboration? 

Testing Limits and Trusting Self: Relational Pillars

How do we know when to continue on in a relationship after a rift, or when to walk away? What are your cues? What are your lines? 

Were you ever chastised for having those cues and lines? If so, it may feel hard to trust yourself and you may feel pressured to continue working with someone or being with someone so that you don’t upset them. Or because you feel it is all you deserve. Or you may simply think you are making too big a deal and maybe what they did/said wasn’t so bad. 

You have been trained to accept a lot of bad behaviour from people and are told to be OK with it. You do not need to continue to be ok with bad behaviour. 

Where is your inner guide housed? How does it communicate with you to tell you what is right for YOU regardless of what others try to say?

And the huge question: Can some people be good people and do bad things? At what point is enough enough?

When you are raised in a Narcissistic System you are told that the bad things that are happening to you are good and that you, as a good person, are bad. So everything gets really skewed and confusing. How do we untangle all this so we can trust ourselves again?

I always come back to the pillars. How does this person behave when I bring something up? If their idea of abuse is “being held accountable”, that will come across very quickly. However, if someone is genuine in their desire for a healthy dynamic with you, they will work for it and repair will be obvious. 

Narcissistic abuse teaches us to get comfortable with confusion and illusion. So when a relationship feels topsy turvy we sometimes just accept it as part and parcel of being in a relationship. We say “all relationships take effort”. 

But if that effort is all on you (to be a good client, good parent, good sibling, good child etc.) then you are not “caught in a trap of perfectionism”, you are caught in their web of toxicity!

Relational healing needs to be mutual, not a one-sided effort. 

In professional dynamics, we need to make more space for the client to determine whether the relationship is a good one that is serving their needs and supporting them in the ways they deserve to be supported. 

When I do a consult with prospective clients I make clear it is a way for both of us to assess whether we are a “good fit”. I can explain my scope and expertise and we can both take the pulse of whether we “vibe”. 

Sometimes I am not the right fit for people and I say so. 

But any potential client can reject me too. And that’s a good thing. 

Any client can terminate services with me too at any point. 

And that’s a good thing. 

I don’t want people to work with me who will not benefit. I don’t want people to feel pressured to work with me or stay on with me if they are compromising what their inner guide is telling them. I am not of service to anyone if my support and insight is not helping them reach their goals, deepen their authentic self, approach genuine peace and freedom, and experience increased safety and trust in self and others. 

And I hold the same principles in my personal and social relationships too. What principles do you want to guide your relationships?

Speaking up to a practitioner does not make you a bad client. Speaking up to anyone does not make you bad or problematic or dramatic or undesirable. On the contrary, it builds your self-trust because it means you are listening to and honouring your needs. Plus it gives you really good data on how much effort they will put in to show up for you.

The small caveat being that not everyone is safe to speak up to. If speaking up puts you in danger, your safety might take precedence. Who CAN you speak up to and share with so that you are supported the way you need to be? 

When Trust IS A Two-Way Street

It is my job as a practitioner to constantly check in to see if this is a good, ongoing fit. I invite my clients to know it is their job to not people- please me. Are you able to tell your practitioner the truth about whether they are helping you? Why? Why not? Listen to your gut. Is trust a two-way street in your dynamic? Or are you the only one working for it?

Like in any relationship, we need to consider the impact a dynamic has on us. Sometimes we can’t put words on what exactly is going on, so we need to rely on how we feel. Does it feel right? Does it feel off? If it feels off, even if you cannot yet articulate why, it is still an important cue. We call these yellow flags. Something isn’t right, but with more data we will see if the flag turns green (Go. All is good) or red (Stop. Time to end this).

Growing up in a Narcissistic System means that often what you perceived to feel “off” was denied or gaslit. You may have stood up against something then ended up “DARVO’d” and attacked yourself. Your reality was twisted. It makes sense that you would still be working to decipher what your alarm bells are telling you. That’s why a yellow flag (a pause to assess and ask questions or speak up if it is safe) can be really useful. 

It’s hard to make assessments about relationships with any clarity after Narcissistic System Abuse. This doesn’t mean you make poor relationship decisions, this means you are still untangling all the wires that the system purposefully crossed on you. 

Another reason why you may not have words for what feels “off” is because a lot of the abuses that happened to you weren’t (at first) major, obvious, glaring red flags. They were a slow boil of easily explained-away jabs, that over time became like a million paper cuts all over you. You couldn’t understand why something felt “off” in isolation, but when combined together in the context of you being repeatedly scapegoated, for example, it becomes clearer. 

Questions I like to ask myself when I am not sure about a dynamic are: 

When I leave my encounter with them am I standing taller and feeling lighter or am I hunched and harrowed?

When I walk away do I have to recover from the mask I put on that took so much energy to hold in place? Do I need to rest weary legs that were busy tip-toeing on eggshells for too long?

Do I notice my body taking a deep big breath and sigh? Is it from the relief of feeling good and belonging finally? Or is it because I felt scared, misunderstood, judged, confused, misled and I am gasping for air after holding it for so long?

Am I behaving “as myself” when I am with them…or am I becoming smaller, tinier, meeker, quieter? Or am I becoming bigger than feels authentic to try and compete and be seen? 

Who do I get to be when I am with them and does it feel like the me I want to be?

When Trust IS NOT A Two-Way Street

Learning to trust comes from honouring when our body is sending alarm bells that say something is off. But it’s also paying attention to when our body sends signals that mean everything is a resounding YES! Trauma traps you in an “alarm state”. It is important to also make space for pleasant and pleasurable cues so we can make decisions based on what we want to approach and allow into our lives more, not just what we want to avoid or get as far away from as possible. 

When trust is a two-way street, we pay attention to our cues so we can deepen our self-knowledge of how we feel around people. But we also need to hold others responsible for earning our trust.

It’s not enough for you to just force yourself to have faith in someone or “try to trust” after trauma so that you can develop your sense of safety again. The other person you are in a relationship with needs to co-create that trust with you. They need to work with you and do their part. 

That includes your coach or therapist (and any other person in your life). 

Indicators of someone working for your trust include: 

They genuinely listen to your grievances. 

They try to understand you. 

They educate themselves on what has been causing pain for you so they don’t speak from a place of assumption, ego, or misinformation. 

They are honest about their boundaries and what they can and cannot do. 

They say no when they mean no. 

They hold themselves accountable. 

They acknowledge their mistakes. 

They are open to your feedback and actually use it to address their behaviour. 

But what if these things aren’t happening? Should you still be trying to “build trust” when they aren’t holding up their end of the bargain? 

No. As a personal opinion, I don’t think anyone needs to continue to expose themselves to potential harm trying to build trust with someone who isn’t also working to earn it. If there is a pattern of them not doing their part, listen to that data. 

But you can still build self-trust by noticing something doesn’t feel right and adjusting YOUR course towards something that does. Meet your own needs, especially when others cannot. 

So…Do You Like Your Therapist (Boss, Teacher, Partner, Colleagues etc)?

When it comes to therapy or coaching, I’ll be blunt; if you don’t like them, get a new one. It’s not worth your time or money. 

Not every practitioner is qualified to deal with every issue. That doesn’t mean they are bad at their job. Everyone has specializations. 

A dear friend of mine is a grief and bereavement therapist. Another best friend is a couple’s therapist specializing in sexuality and gender. They are both great at what they do, and they both do different things. 

I wouldn’t send someone needing dental work to an eye doctor. The same goes for mental health work. 

The same also goes for romantic relationships. Someone can be great on paper but simply doesn’t have relational skills and won’t put in the work to develop those skills. Love can only take you so far. 

And here’s the thing: Someone can be great at what they do and still not be for you! A nice red sweater is a nice red sweater, but if you’re into blue…then don’t settle for red!

You are allowed to quit, cancel, or break-up with anyone (including your practitioner) at any time for any reason. You are allowed to honour your needs and to expect that they are met. 

Good People, Not So Good Moments?

Yes, everyone makes mistakes (including me). But your trust bells will tell you whether a mistake is a dead end or a jumping-off point for increased recovery and repair. The indicator of whether any relationship or professional dynamic can help you grow safety and trust is how mistakes are owned and repaired.

This is the basis of so much of the trauma clients share with me: Where is my validation and vindication? When will someone admit or own up to what they did? When will they change their behaviour so that we can have the relationship we deserve?

So look at the patterns and trends while you make your decisions: 

Do they own up? Do they create space for you to air grievances? Can you question them or contradict them? How do they respond? Do they make more space for you and adapt? Do you become stronger together because of it?

Or do you feel shamed, blamed, or misunderstood? Are your feelings or words used against you? Are you led to believe that they know you better than you know yourself? Do you feel worse about yourself when around them? 

Let me tell you this: NO ONE knows you better than you know yourself. You are the expert on your own life and your body. Anyone who tries to make you question who you are isn’t working in service of you and your needs. They are making you twist and contort to meet theirs.

(Minor exception here: If someone is trying to build your self-esteem because you keep talking trash about yourself. I mean…maybe…let them guide you toward a better vision of yourself?? Perhaps try to see yourself the way they lovingly see you?) 

At the end of the day, we aren’t just talking about therapy or coaching. We are talking about what it means to be in a healthy, safe dynamic with someone. And how others need to do their own work to help create that space for you. Wanting to be liked makes sense. We are a social species afterall, and it’s not a bad thing to work to become a kind, loving, compassionate person. But it’s not up to you to hold all relationships together by being the best version of who they want you to be…

Setting The Stage, Creating Foundations

It is not your job to create safety out of thin air. That is why professionals like myself exist. To help you scaffold new foundations and pillars that can help you navigate the toxic waters that you have been facing. Anyone in a relationship with you (personal, romantic, collegial, professional) ought to also be creating the stage for you to experience the safety and trust that was robbed from you. This is what it means to be in a relationship. We ALL need to be working to earn the trust of others by ensuring we are all engaging safely. 

If that platform is not being built, regardless of what type of relationship it is, then walk away. 

If that platform IS being built, but you still feel scared, that’s understandable. That’s trauma, baby! 

That’s where Good Client Syndrome, and talking about GCS with a good practitioner, may be a useful jumping-off point to develop the skill of fully expanding into yourself.

Letters behind a name or a certain title don’t imply safety, the same way love bombs don’t imply actual love, and the same way that simply being your parent or partner doesn’t imply someone is actually available to care for you and support you. It’s a harsh reality. 

That’s why building our inner trust matters so much; So that we can hold others responsible for doing their part.

Everyone needs to prove to you that they are genuine. Everyone needs to earn trust. Everyone needs to create the conditions for safety. 

So do you like your therapist? Only you can know that. And you can change your mind at any time. 

but do you like yourself when you are with someone? 

This is what it all boils down to; If you can be your favourite self when you are with someone (regardless of what they think, or because you know they like and respect you as you are without you having to perform or please), that is the compass you need to use to know what direction to keep walking in life. 

HEAD UP I have a New YouTube Deep Dive Video on:
SMEAR CAMPAIGNS and CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS: How Do They Get Others To Believe The Lies About You And Feel GOOD About Harming You??? Watch it HERE

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