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Learning To Trust Again After Narcissistic Abuse


The first thing children learn when they have a narcissistic parent is how to blame themselves.

We know that this childhood abuse — whether overt psychological warfare, covert emotional manipulation, or the slow burn of chronic neglect — leaves lasting imprints that create blueprints, shaping our relationships and self-perceptions that follow us throughout our lives.

When I speak with clients, I always spot that crippling dichotomy that traps them between breaking free and silently succumbing. They say, “I know I deserve more, I know I want more, I need to recover and move on…but there’s is just something so wrong with me. I can’t seem to get it right. I keep attracting the same types of toxic people in my life. I can’t seem to recover, I keep getting in my own way. That life that other people have where they are happy and whole just isn’t available for someone like me.”

In these moments it’s like I can see the hook of the narcissistic system reach out and snag them. Their truest, deepest, self was moving towards full authenticity, aliveness and engagement in life and that toxic tendril reached out and grabbed them, saying “Nuh uh! You get back in place.”

And they do.

They whither.

But it’s not compliance, it’s survival; They have been told too many times that they don’t “exist” without the system; They are led to believe they are meaningless, worthless, useless without the adoration and attention of the narcissist. So when they are given a chance to break free it feels more hopeless, terrifying, and exhausting than joyful. To risk no longer pursuing the adoration and attention of the narcissist feels more like a kamikaze mission than a step toward recovery.

It’s Not Your Fault

That’s not a mantra, it’s a reality. No fake news here.

It, actually, literally, ISN’T your fault.

And yet, that is one of the hardest belief systems to shake if you grew up in the Narc Machine.

Despite years doing this work, I’m never not affected by people’s stories. Even when I know to expect that the Narc Machine is working the exact way the Narc Machine is designed to…it still unsettles me to see just how many of you had your lives swept out from under you.

It pains me every time a client believes there’s something wrong with them — that they caused or “attracted” this treatment to them; That if they could just “do better, be better, try harder, fix themselves”…then it would all be OK.

I want to yell from the rooftops, “But they lied to you! It was all narcissistic propaganda! I wish you could see what I see in you! I wish you could see your magnetism, beauty, talents, and invaluable place in this world. I want you to experience the gift of you, the way I experience the gift of you.”

And yet I see how easy it is to fall back on that “narcissistic training” that tells you there is something fundamentally wrong with you and that’s the reason why happiness, connection, and aliveness seem to elude you.

I, too, have looked in the mirror and asked what exactly it was about me that made me the “common denominator” for all the toxicity in my life.

Narcissistic abuse doesn’t just erase you, it absorbs you. It absorbs your energy, talents, gifts, brightness, love and spirit. It siphons off your heart, then feeds it to the machine to keep it churning and churning out rewards — as if it were oxygen itself — for the narcissist.

We think there’s something wrong with us because there is no “us” left. We experience a complete loss of self. That feeling of “being wrong”, therefore, makes total sense: It’s a result of feeling the disconnection from who you know yourself to be — your “being” — and what they left you with/what they let you have access to.

It feels wrong because it is wrong to have had yourself stolen away, used and consumed for their nurturance. From the perspective of wholeness, embodiment, autonomy and agency (pillars of recovery), it literally couldn’t feel right. Of course you feel “off”. Of course you are confused! Who wouldn’t be if their identity — their “being” — was usurped?

It feels wrong to have nothing left to hold on to, as you were feasted upon and discarded when there was nothing left of you to give. When you stop providing “fuel” or “supply” to the machine, the machine moves away and moves on from you. That feels wrong because it is wrong.

But something feeling wrong is not the same as you being wrong.

But they need you to believe it’s you. Afterall, it’s the perfect get-out-of-jail-free card for them. When you can absorb blame and shame, they get off scot-free. And, even better (for them), when you think it’s your fault, you work harder. Suddenly you are fueling the machine for them. Everyone in their orbit, working like task rabbits, to keep them afloat.

But I need you to see what they are concealing: When you feel wrong, it’s because you are dialled into the reality of the situation. Feeling something is wrong is self-trust in action! Hold on to that and let it guide you.

Whenever you start to think, “What is wrong with me?” try to shift it into “What am I knowing/seeing that they are trying to hide (to protect themselves)?”

Lies That Bind and Tie Us Down 

I’ve written about the Risk Of Recovery; how letting go of the need to be perfect (in order to survive the toxic narcissistic system) and embracing imperfection (in order to survive your life) can be more challenging for survivors of Narcissistic System Abuse.

Learning how to not self-blame is an act of recovery rebellion: A reclamation of your deepest, truest, most whole self. But it feels equally risky.

This is because self-blame is another form of perfectionism:

When we blame ourselves, we can work harder to fix ourselves. We can achieve “perfection” by making all the right moves and taking the right steps. We can make ourselves “good enough”. We can earn space in this world. And that feels like more a sure thing than leaving it up to chance: Especially when you have been told that there is nothing for you outside the system. Why risk it?

To trust that we weren’t at fault is, oddly, scary and destabilizing. We think, “If I wasn’t at fault, then why did this happen? How can I ensure I am safe, loved, and cared for if I can’t work to “earn” it? What control do I have left, when self-blame is taken from me?”

It’s ok to feel afraid of recovery.

Having a narcissistic parent, boss, partner, or even best friend (and yes, survivors of parental narcissism can end up having all of the above at one time or another) distorts everything: The truth, your identity, your feelings of self-worth, your sense of belonging and purpose, and your sense of safety and inner compass. Untangling that intricate web and embarking on a journey of self-discovery sounds nice in theory. But what will it feel like?

Will it be safe? Will you be OK?

Many people describe recovery — any kind of recovery, not just recovery from narcissistic abuse — as walking a path, through the densest fog, to find the bridge that connects them back to their deepest self and strongest purpose.

Let’s be upfront, however: There’s no such thing as a recovery superhero. You could have clinical training in trauma like I do and still talk your way around recovery in order to avoid it. We have ALL been in a place where we carried something too painful, shameful, or heavy, that we didn’t feel we could quite face the excavation of it. We could talk about it — with enviable self-awareness and insight — but feeling through it and making change was too far out of reach.

While recovery can be gentle, it is still a re-organising of everything! Your belief systems, your thought patterns, the way you talk about yourself, and the things you do to cope adaptively. Imagine you’re having an emotional spring clean: you are going through every box and bin and deciding what to keep and what to put on the curb. It takes immense effort and adjustment.

That’s a lot to tackle. It makes sense that large components of recovery currently feel out of reach. It’s because they areout of reach. Do not gaslight yourself into believing that you are “failing” at recovery. Instead, take this time to assess what is out of reach and why? What is making recovery feel extra hard and scary?

I have one client who describes the pain of facing recovery like the pain of a lobster growing too big for its shell. They needed to shed what was too small now to contain them, but it felt raw as they worked to construct a new “body”. This same client reflected back to me, many sessions later, that at first, they didn’t feel “strong enough” to take steps towards healing. They genuinely felt they were so unwanted that sticking with the “safety” of the machine was better than finding out how “right” the system was about them.

And so they did the “recovery dance”. They jigged and jumped and jostled intellectually, but made sure they never got close to anything that required action. By the time they found me, they knew recovery inside and out, but admitted they were, in their words, “too much of a terrified little bug to really do anything about it.”

This isn’t self-sabotage, this is an important revelation that the things needed to feel safe enough to trust recovery, still don’t feel accessible. For example, it’s critical information to learn my client and I needed to tackle the beliefs and fears around being “unwanted” before we removed their armour. Once we did, the next phase of recovery proceeded with ease. 

It’s heavy work, but it doesn’t have to be hard

Unfortunately, recovery by osmosis hasn’t yet been invented.

Luckily, coaching can help.

I don’t shame anyone (including myself) for all the ways we “avoid” healing. I actually think it makes perfect sense given what trauma survivors go through. I don’t see it as avoidance, I see it as an unmet need. What is missing that could help you feel safe enough, and to trust enough, to take the risk of recovery? Whatever you are trying to “avoid” is an important cue to where the danger still lurks. 

I’m quite compassionate towards the maneuvers we make to stay safe and in control and to survive. And I teach my clients how to similarly be compassionate towards their survival strategies and needs. Because when there are unmet safety and trust needs, the things we do to survive ARE good choices. 

Honour what is currently accessible to you — your insight, your awareness, your intelligence, your truth. Because all of those elements, at one point, were inaccessible too. In fact, your insight and awareness are the foundations of strengthening your self-trust: Now you know what happened, now you know why and how it happened, now you know your pain, grief, anger and worth. Now you know where you want to go and who you want to be. Now you know you CAN be something other than the limited options they allocated to you. Now you know that what you know is being obscured by those trying to hurt you. Now you know what you need to take the next steps. Now you know that you could use help for the next steps. Now you know you can ask for that help and that help will be available.

Whatever isn’t yet accessible, can be made accessible with the right support. It doesn’t have to be done alone. 

Access, not success. You can only be “successful” when what you need most is accessible!

I write these articles to offer you some light in case your recovery candle is flickering, or if the shadows on the wall of your mind are playing tricks on you telling you that you can’t do it, you’re better off a pawn in the system than a person in your own right, or that if you did risk recovery, you would just be faced with your own loathsome inadequacies.

Ahh what horrific horrific lies.

I have experienced life on the other side of trauma. And If I can recover despite doing it all backwards at first (and somehow always choosing the hardest route possible with the most emotional potholes)… then I know you — with your abundance of knowledge and courage — will be able to experience genuine joy, fulfillment, connection and wholeness too. With a lot less time wasted.

Let me say it loud and clear (imagine I am indeed on a rooftop): You’re not broken and there’s nothing about you that says you can’t have the life that you see other people living. All that crap about you not being good enough, or to blame? Those are just lies that the Machine spat out at you because it was so afraid you would break free and live authentically and it would crumble without you.

I say let it fall to pieces. Watch it implode now that you refuse to prop it up. Dance on the rubble.

YOU RECOVERY REBEL YOU!

Could you use support? 1:1 coaching is available. Please reach out via my IG @drerinwatson to set up a free consult.

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