drerinwatsonOne of the questions I get asked a lot is “How do I recover when there is so much out of my control?”
For example, when I am still living with, and financially dependent, on my toxic parents?
When I can’t afford 1:1 support? Or adequate resources aren’t available?
When I don’t have control over some of the larger or systemic oppressions intended to keep me small or locked in place?
When I am one small voice in a sea of ugly smear campaigns?
When I have no support or community or safe haven?
Basically, how do I recover when everything in my environment seems to be working against my recovery?
One time a therapist said to me “You can’t start to recover when you are still stuck in your traumatic environment”
I reject this statement wholeheartedly.
We can all start to recover right now, exactly where we are, with what we have.
To suggest otherwise is to encourage hopelessness and helplessness. It disempowers survivors and it fails to account for the immense strength and resilience that all survivors possess.
I have not met a more hardworking or courageous bunch of people than survivors. Survivors rise up from the ashes time and time and time again. They get burnt and still, they try. Still, they keep going.
Believing that you cannot start to recover ignores this courage and will. It robs us of our control, which is a precious resource for us. Without it, we are at risk of being re-victimized and re-traumatized.
How do we begin to recover when we have lost so much control?
I suspect what my therapist was trying to suggest was that staying in an abusive environment means there is no escape from triggers.
And this is true. We can’t dismiss the fact that recovery will be easier and faster when you are away from the abuse. Dealing with triggers means you have to always be “on guard”. Your body doesn’t get a break from the cortisol (stress hormone) and fight/flight/freeze responses. You may survive, but you will be stuck in survival mode. And that is like level 200 extra-hard player mode.
I have no doubt you can do it. But, do you want to? Do you need to?
Many survivors of attachment trauma adopt the mentality that everything in life needs to be earned and fought for. That nothing should come easy. And that struggle is a virtue. If they are “cutting corners” by taking the “easy route” they are being lazy. They aren’t getting the full meal deal out of healing.
Let me tell you now that is a lie. Recovery doesn’t have to take all your effort. Your efforts should be on living a joyful, free, whole life. Trauma recovery is a part of it, for sure. A necessary part that will not be pleasant to be fair, but it actually doesn’t have to be a slog that takes over your existence.
There are things you can do now — regardless of your circumstances — that will help your body, mind, and spirit get needed breaks from survival mode.
The bonus is that by practicing these strategies, you may discover areas of your life where you have more control and choice than you realised. You will also be scaffolding a stronger foundation for yourself that may help you see alternatives to remaining in an abusive relationship. I understand the reasons people stay. They are not small, insignificant reasons. Especially when we are talking about family relationships.
There is no shame or judgment. Everyone’s circumstances matter to them. However by expanding our horizons and practicing these strategies, we discover options and opportunities beyond what we thought were available to us, and we become empowered to make choices we thought were beyond our control.
Four Crucial Strategies to Make “Survival Mode” Survivable…
1. Be very clear about what you can control and what you cannot.
Survivors of attachment trauma and toxic parenting have been taught that they have more control over others and less control over themselves and their circumstances. They are told they are responsible for other people’s emotions, reactions and well-being, but that they can do very little to change their own well-being and circumstances. This is false. We actually have very little influence over other people’s emotions and perceptions (especially those from toxic families who are committed to maintaining their power and perspectives). No amount of energy or effort will help them change something they don’t want to change. So it’s best to conserve that energy. What we do control is what we do with ourselves within these circumstances. We actually have way more room than we thought to advocate for ourselves and prioritize our needs.
2. Build little joys into your day, every single day
It doesn’t have to be monumental. Just make space for things that bring you pleasure. A small hobby. A physically relaxing experience like a bath, reading a book, or a walk in nature. Or eating one of your favourite foods. Every day you need something to look forward to that is just for you. This reminds you that you matter and your joy and pleasure matters. This is not insignificant or frivolous. If you never treat yourself with kindness and love, how will you ever teach yourself that you are worth more than these toxic circumstances? Do not skip this step. To use the video game analogy again, this is like when Super Mario comes across a mushroom and jumps up to catch it. It makes him grow bigger and stronger. He needs those mushrooms to get through the challenging obstacle course ahead of him. they are his superpowers. Little joys are yours. If all you have is yourself, don’t neglect yourself.
3. Increase social connections.
You don’t have to become an extrovert or a social butterfly to start building connections. Just chat with a friendly cashier at the local shop, or reach out to friends over text you haven’t spoken to in a while. Ask people how they are doing. Join a local met up like an art club, cooking class, parenting group, or art scene. Go out to a community or social event and just smile and say hi to some people. Nothing extravagant. This is just about expanding for you. Social connections are the basis of future strong, safe, and supportive networks. People you meet now and bond with could become part of your chosen family someday. At the very least, it reminds you that your current circumstances aren’t all the world has to offer. Abusers, especially toxic families, like to have you believe you are isolated and dependent on them. Social connections help break this myth. It’s not to say everyone you meet will become fast friends and I caution you to not dive in too quickly. It’s not advised that you become close confidants with people off the bat. Give your relationships time to actually grow. Give yourself time to decide if you actually like these people and trust them.
4. Get physical exercise and start journalling
I’m sure you’ve heard this enough. There’s a reason they keep getting suggested (alongside things like mindfulness and meditation). These are the most scientifically backed strategies to reset and repair damage to your mind and body. Being in survival mode means you are literally in a physically stressful body state at all times. To prevent disease, illness, and burnout, we need to release our bodies from the flood of stress chemicals that build up. These chemicals do not abate on their own. They need us to complete the stress cycle by physically “burning them off”. The same goes for journalling; we carry so many stressors, negative thoughts and limiting beliefs around with us all day that they become like a heavy invisible backpack of pain. Journalling has been proven to help release these burdens and create drastic mental and energetic shifts. Surviving takes energy. Physical activity and journalling will actually increase your energy and resilience (while having lovely side benefits like bringing clarity to your situation and creating a happier, healthier body and mind).
Regain your energy, regain your life.
It may seem daunting to start including “more” things into your life when you are already overwhelmed, overworked, and overburdened.
The goal is not to transform your life overnight. It is just to take the next most manageable step.
Start small. Stay small. And remain persistent. What is the next most manageable thing you can do for yourself today?
